THE KILMORA (A Take on Kimora Lee Simons) - one of general disgust of course

“Theyre so funny and so crazy…Theyre just like me in a lot of ways…” Kimora on her children, and yea definitely got the crazy in them…

“I want to know who said the meeting was at four oclock I’d like to know so I can fire them.” Kimora says to unidentified bystanders surrounding her desk, all obviously speechless at the mini-drama they witness on a daily basis. If I had to describe Kimora Lee Simmons in one short sentence – I would say she is like a 6 year old child wearing mommy’s big girl heels – problem is she never took her mom’s heels off. Conducting business in a spitfire fashion is so not in, and its definitely not coming back in style LIKE ever. Grow up Kimora and be a real business woman, not a Devilista. It doesn’t set the ‘good example’ you claim to pose for women and young girls the world over.

Kimora’s daughter, “I love my chef. Good thing she kept you.”
Camera turns to expression on the African American chef’s face, he does a poor job of concealing his obvious disgust of her and the two monsters he feeds. He stands crouched in a corner as if submitting himself to the ferocious DOG that snaps at him.

InSANEjaya

Rat-poison congee racks hospital

Blasphemy! I told them arsenic! Breakfast laced with rat poision - breakfast of champions!

Let's go Baghdad!

Now you can prepare for this year's trip to Baghdad with your very own, handmade face sock! Because we know nothing screams tourist more than an uncovered pastey face! Stitch yours now!

To read about the vacation possibilities that await you in Baghdad CLICK HERE!

Leave it to the shortest people in the world to harbor one of the tallest. Today, the tallest man in the world (7 feet 9 inches) was married in ASIA. Now I see why they made Godzilla the movie before the West did.

I wonder, 'How much chinee food it take fill up Xiao (pronounced JOW) Ping's shoe?" Lots ee lots of moo goo that's for sure.

Addicts come in all shapes, sizes, & colors, but so do panties...

A man was arrested today after police uncovered 1500 pairs of women's panties he had stolen from his apartment complexes' washroom. When questioned further he responded, "I think I have a problem." Send this addict to QUITMAN, MS stat!

Smuggling CROCS, what THE...

Nooo, not those crocs! (If the incident had been in Asia I'm sure they'd stuff their girdle with counterfeit Crocs and sell fo five dolla!) These crocs.... That's right folks, a woman entering Gaza was stopped in the airport and searched because of her "odd shape." The police removed her GIRDLE to find 3 BABY CROCODILES she was trying to smuggle into the city to sell. Oh yea, and when the crocodiles fell from her girdle they created a hoop-lah in the rest of the airport, every fleed the building, ran screaming bloody murder. Lady with crocodile say "she not know they in girdle." Sound the alarm, that sounds like an ______________! Better luck next time lady, maybe stick with what your people know how to smuggle: opium.
For the full story, Click here.

HOT NEW DRUG CRAZE IN HOLLYWOOD

Those party animals out in LA are really living it up, waterfalls of alcohol, mountains of drugs, and an entire country's supply of prescription meds!! Vodka, and lines and stars, oh my! Obviously, we like to keep you informed of what the cool new narcotics are, but now, who needs drugs when you can get high on starvation? Nothing like not eating to give you that euphoric, hallucinogenic feeling. And not to mention It's 100% natural, good for detoxing the bod, and gets you black out drunk in less than 60 seconds! (girl bumps elbow into another wafer thin girl's arm) got anorexia? The Olsen twins dig this shit, Nicole Richie digs it over pot, that's hot! says Paris!

Contract an house sale compleecated, Kay Kim help you

Every ting Kay touch turn sole! Four hundid fitty home sole in Atlanta . I sell yo how too!
Viseet web sigh: kaykim.com


Translation (English):
Everything Kay [Kim] touches turns [to] sold! Four hundred fifty homes sold in Atlanta. Kay Kim [will] sell your house too!
Visit [my] website: kaykim.com

YO, QUIT MAN!

Only in the boondocks of Mississippi can you find a city named QUITMAN. Naturally I assumed it was named and populated with negroes, but according to their census, the Negros had a negative population percent....Pause... Negative? Yes, that's right, their were 3 negroes there last year, but the white supremacist mayor shot them down accidentily mistaking them for 'jiggaboos' (the term he uses for Black Bears)... surrre...
I have a feeling this desolate wasteland will soon be filled with rehab centers for all the celebs, what better way to isolate yourself?

Lovely

As if technology hadn't permeated our lives enough, now we can accessorize all of our technological accessories by toting this LOVELY satchel.

INSANEjaya

Ahh! Indians are taking AMERICAN idol by storm! And with this HOT new do

ANTM

America's Next Top Mutt.
To view all the lovely ladies click here

5 Ton's Iconic Look hits the Runway!

Does this dress make my butt look big?
How strange...Marc Jacobs entered rehab following this show. Bravo Marc for being the bigger man in this situation. Hopefully rehab will alter his mind so that we never see 5 ton on the runway again, because high fashion can't handle another parachute like this.

Tribute to Thin Burgers (by the greatest band ever)

That parentheses comment is an obvious joke.

Can't view the video click: These Burgers

Espression

Use your best black person/ebonics impression when you read it to yourself

Today my baby girl 18th birthday .......I be so glad that this be my last child support pay ment! Month atter month, year after year, all dose pay ments!
So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get there, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take this check over to yo momma house and tell her this be the last check she ever be getting' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the  espression that's on yo mama's face."
So my baby girl she take the check over to her. Uhh -  I be so anxious to hear what she be gonna say and what she look like. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?"
She say tell you that "you aint my daddy ........... and watch the espression on yo face....."

Some days you are the bug, and some days you are the windshield

Sometimes, when I am really disgusted with people, I dress like Mary Kate Olsen in a hobo type outfit. Yes, I know, its a disgusting thing in itself, but you know, I have found that there is nothing low lifes love more than a girl dressed like a bag lady. People are scumbags.

My One Billion Dollar Idea

In this wonderful, digital age, we are no longer fighting wars againt countries, we are fighting wars against low lifes (osama, border jumpers etc.). So get ready Wii, xbox, and ps2 fans, I have the billion dollar video game of your dreams. You see there would be this game where you could shoot illegal immigrants as they cross the border, or find osama in a cave as you fight off terrorists. Anyone game?

Out of Africa

I once read a book about the origins of Ebola in the Congo and what the US would be like if the Ebola Virus at the CDC headquarters in Atlanta would somehow break loose into society. Never in my wildest dreams did I think apes, chimpanzees, or any primate for that matter, could act any more biserck than one inflicted with the Ebola virus… until now. On Saturday morning at approximately 5 am I was attacked by a chimpanzee. A very clever one that chimp was, for I was suddenly faced with the nightmare of being tossed, nearly smothered, and then hit on the head with a 5’ x 3’ dry erase board. Seems I have a evolved a little bit past the chimp, for miraculously I escaped the building unharmed. Only a few minor flesh wounds. After escaping an angry crowd of pygmies who attacked our covered wagon in the Congo at the age of 5, I found it hard to believe that 17 years later I would find myself confronted by the same moley creatures.

My Office

I realized this morning that my office was filled with a bunch of degenerates. Except for a few, they really are losers. While i'm over here in my wonderful cubicle, my 400 pound office worker stands against the wall chit chatting and explaining to my other loser co-workers that she is going to procrastinate for several hours. Speaking of her in particular... last week on casual friday, she comes up to me and says "you know you can wear jeans on friday?" ... I was wearing khakis and a polo. I felt like saying to her, "you know you can wear a tent on friday", "coleman has it's new line out, i saw it at the hunting store". She is so obnoxious - one of those people you really just want to pummel in the face with a frying pan or hit in the teeth with a bag of snow melting salt and then grind it into her eyes.

In other news, I'm thinking about giving church a try.

Bravo on the videos my compatriate. Muah.

Poor Indians

The Asian Squat - A How To Guide

what THE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j80YDDfiaT4

Fill in the blank...

R.I.P. Anna

Two words: Trimspa kills

don't bother

when i see really really obease people at the gym... i wonder, why bother. when you're that big the only solution is gastric bypass, death by bus, or being forced to do manual labor... im not going to get into my theory on over weight people

thanks.

How do you kill a redneck?

Fill his generic coffee with arsenic.

asian tourists

Heed my advice. Whenever you see asian tourists, put on sunglasses.

As I walked back from getting lunch this afternoon, I encountered a large group of asian tourists, fresh from the Hong, scuttling about the front of Betsy Ross' house. They seemed to forming a group of some sorts, so I continued to hurridly walk by. Suddenly I hear picha picha and BOOM. All their cameras went off at once causing a shotgun of reverberating light up and down the road. I fell blinded to the ground cluching my bag as my soup went rolling into the roadway.

Please think of the "grizwald christmas" movie when they turn on the lights and the neighbors can't see. That was me this afternoon on second street.

rendezvous a starbucks

this morning per usual i stopped by one of the many starbucks locations between here and the train station. per usual i walk into perfect yuppidom and commence upon ordering a heavenly beverage. unfortunately, something OUT of the usual caused me to stop dead in my tracks. now employed, at my favorite coffee joint, was a 900 pound man, fresh from the circus. BEWILDERED and AWESTRUCK I stumbled to get out the words, non fat suger free no whip cinnamon dolce venti. Then it happened. The fat man spoke. Who taught fat people how to speak anyway?

Large - "That sure does defeat the purpose of havin yourself a coffee doesn't it?"

Me - "Excuse me?"

Large - "You took out all the good parts."

Me - "Aparantly, something you've never considered."

Large - "No need to be nasty"

Me - "Advice you should have heeded this morning before venturing into the world."

After recieving my coffee i fled, now i will be going to the starbucks one block away. this company needs to get it together.

Songs in Douglas, GA ENOUGH SAID

Tearin' down a dirt road, rebel flag flyin',
'Coon dog in the back.
Truck bed loaded down with beer,
An' a cold one in my lap.
Earnhart sticker behind my head,
An' my woman by my side.
Tail-pipe's poppin', the radio's rockin':
"Country Boy Can Survive".
Well, if you got a problem with that,
You can kiss my country ass.

Well, I love Turkey calls, overalls,
Wrangler jeans: smoke nothin' but Marlboro reds.
Tattoos up an' down my arms,
An' deer heads over my bed.
My Grand-Daddy fought in World War Two,
An' my Daddy went to Vietnam.
An' I ain't scared to grab my gun,
An' fight for my homeland.
If you don't love the American flag,
You can kiss my country ass.

If you're a down home, backwoods redneck,
C'mon, stand up an' raise your glass.
But if you ain't down with my outlaw crowd,
You can kiss my country ass.

Well, there's a whole lotta high-class people out there,
That's lookin' down on me.
'Cause the country club where I belong,
Is the Honky Tonk till three in the mornin'.
Don't wear no fancy clothes,
No ties or three-piece suits.
You can find me in my camouflage hat,
My tee-shirt an' cowboy boots.
If that don't fit your social class,
You can kiss my country ass.

If you're a down home, backwoods redneck,
Hey, c'mon, stand up an' raise your glass.
But if you ain't down with my outlaw crowd,
You can kiss my country ass.

'Cause I'm a front-porch sittin',
Guitar pickin', moonshine sippin',
Bacca juice spittin' country boy from the woods.
An' I love fried chicken an' blue gill fishin',
An' outlaw women, an' I wouldn't change if I could.
I ain't tryin' to start no fight, but I'll finish one every time.
So you just mind your own damn business,
And stay the hell outta mine.
If you got a problem with that,
You can kiss my country ass.

I said if you got a problem with any of that,
You can kiss my natural born,
Redneck to the bone,
Ever-lovin' country ass.